What Unemployment Taught Me About “Failure and Success”

On this day: unemployed me helped to build a bar in the back garden with my dad. The stereotype that unemployed folk are unproductive is totally and utterly wrong.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the busy-body, workaholic, type-A individual. My life has comprised of working very hard towards a focused goal, accomplishing that goal with blood, sweat and tears, and then swiftly moving onto the next big objective in line. It has always felt alien to “rest” and has been a legitimate struggle to find ways to relax, as it seems my mind has always been more adept with chaos and, in contrast, struggled with stillness.

As you can imagine for a person with my tendencies, a period of unemployment earlier this year, for two whole months, could have been more than enough to send me spiralling. However, I actually found this quiet time for reflection to be very powerful. This was because I was emancipated from a job that was, quite frankly, completely draining me dry. After more than a year of “What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough?”, I was finally free.

Of course I had the standard anxieties about the prospect of finding a new job and financial security, but first and foremost, I was relieved. I was no longer bound to a job that was making me, and consequently my loved ones, deeply unhappy. My life suddenly had perspective again: there’s so much more to living than being chained to a desk chair for 9 hours a day! There’s so many things I used to enjoy before this job took over every brain cell! I am so much more than just an employee! I felt like an absolute fool for allowing the drama of that employment spell to sink me so considerably for such a long time.

I don’t think I’d have felt this sense of clarity and peace without the context of my previous illness. Up till a few years ago in 2019 when I hit ultimate burnout/the darkest depression/the fiery pits of hell, AKA literally not having the physical or emotional capacity to keep on carrying on, I thought I’d be that person who just kept going forever and ever. I had never really imagined myself succumbing to full physical sickness due to mental exertion. However, when that burnout period came along, aspects of my life changed irrevocably and I have since learned a lot about my unhealthy coping mechanisms and attitudes towards failure/success.

I definitely feel the outside pressures of wanting to make my family proud and wanting to be perceived by society in a successful light, but the majority of my pressure to succeed comes from within and is entirely irrational. I’d always envisioned being unemployed as a sign of personal failure. I’d always considered overworking to be a sign of professionalism and necessity. I genuinely once thought that taking time to “do nothing” was a lazy cop-out for people without stamina. How criminally wrong I was.

This is evidenced by the fact that I stayed for so long in a working situation that made me so stressed, anxious and depleted. Despite absolutely giving my all, working endless overtime, taking on extra responsibilities and trying to pick myself up after being repeatedly knocked, I just couldn’t make my previous role work for me. Even though I knew I was regressing mentally and physically due to my efforts, I couldn’t throw the towel in because I was scared that it would amount to failure. The official nail in the coffin: “I’ve failed myself. I’ve failed the company. I’ve failed my colleagues. I’ve failed my family”.

In reality: I absolutely bloody did not.

It seems that I’ve been hardwired to push myself to absolute exertion for the majority of my life and, as a result, I’ve suffered massively. On a personal level, I’ve sacrificed a lot of precious time with family and friends. On a professional level, I’ve managed to self-sabotage opportunities for advancement due to being inundated with other responsibilities after overloading myself with absolutely everything else possible.

Part of me is ashamed by the fact that it’s taken me this long to redefine my ideas of success and failure, yet overall, I’m glad I’ve learned it in the first place. Sometimes I look at people far older than me and wonder whether, despite all the letters after their names, certificates on the walls and zeroes before the dot on their salaries, they’re actually content. Because when it comes down to it, I think that would be the ultimate success story now to 26-year-old me.

Summary: Life isn’t linear and neither is progress. Losing a job or a relationship or a status does not amount to failure. Wads of mullah do not amount to success. Working yourself to the bone in the hopes that you’ll please everybody will not lead to anything but incredibly bad and sad times. Life is precarious and oh so short. Don’t waste it always looking ahead to what you want to be and what you want to have and focus instead, at least sometimes, on the person you’ve already become and the things you’ve already accomplished.

LIFE UPDATE: Unemployment!

Alas, we have reached the end of another life chapter. A long-awaited verdict came in yesterday morning and I can now announce that I am now unemployed. The finality of this decision is just starting to sink in, twenty-four hours later, but I have had the loving support of family and friends to help lessen the blow. An additional bonus is the flurry of supportive messages I unexpectedly received today from my former colleagues, who hadn’t expected my abrupt departure.

I am fondly reflecting on the amazing connections I have made with people over the last year and a bit, and also looking back on the skills I’ve acquired as well as finessed during my time as an editorial associate. I have worked very, very hard within this role and know wholeheartedly that I gave my all to the position, and so I am able to move forward with the full awareness that I committed myself as an employee and took advantage of all learning opportunities extended to me.

It is a particularly difficult time to be without work: COVID-19 is a rollercoaster ride and has only further complicated the process of snagging interviews and putting your best foot forward for new (very elusive) opportunities. That being said, I am grateful to be in circumstances that don’t necessitate putting immense amounts of pressure/stress on myself in order to snap up another role ASAP (though my brain will do this anyhow, as that’s just how I roll). I am privileged to be living at home without a mortgage to pay off or mouths to feed, and I stealthily made contingency savings so that I can still make some plans for when lockdown has been rescinded and “normal” life resumes. It is important to have things to look forward to, especially as a hermit with agoraphobic tendencies at a time like this!

My resolve is to focus on my wellbeing and to fill my time doing what I always do: read, write and pick up some new skills/qualifications while I have the time. Everything is impermanent and my goal is to remember that this rule also applies to unemployment, no matter how frustrated or deflated I may feel by the ongoing rejection of fruitless applications.

I have heard every cliche in the book and I am reassured by the words, as cheesy as they may be. I know from past experience that I have managed to navigate periods of unemployment, and that I will come out of this stronger if I take care of myself and don’t let the underconfidence fester. “Everything happens for a reason” and “as one door closes, another opens”. But most importantly, and without trivialising the gratification a career can provide a person (I’m all too aware!), it is crucial to remember that the world has not stopped turning due to unemployment as a job is just a job. My dad put this beautifully into perspective yesterday as he gave me the one-on-one cheerleader pep-talk that only dads can give: the end of a job isn’t the end of a life, this could very well be an opportunity in disguise. So I am trying my very hardest to look at this situation with only positivity, as that’s all I want to receive, in turn, from the universe.

If COVID-19 has taught me anything, it is that there are twists and turns galore in life, and that we can’t take for granted the essential things like health, wellbeing and love. I may be unemployed but I have nothing but love behind me, and with that I am invincible! I am looking forward to the challenges and opportunities ahead.