2 years on: the Great Depression

On 7th May, 2 years ago, I handed in my Masters thesis. I was super stoked and relieved, plus excited to crack on with trying to function like a proper human being again.

What actually happened was that I had 4 days of relative chill before the biggest mental breakdown of my entire life, in a swanky bar with Rebecca Deluce in the middle of Copenhagen, which resulted in me being really, really ill for a while instead…

This photo is bittersweet because I literally had no idea at the time that things were going to get hella lairy imminently: I thought I was already at rock bottom! Looking back, I can say that I’m truly super proud of myself for getting through one of the most challenging periods of my life so far. Plus, my mates and fam are absolutely solid and I wish everybody going through a tough time had that kind of support behind them. Wouldn’t be here without it.

So: life is like a box of chocolates, folks! Sometimes you think you’ve picked up a praline and you take a bite to find it’s orange, instead. It’s really, really sad but remember you can always pick up another choccy straight after and hope that one’s better.

P. S. this photo is the first in the folder I made of images from when I was poorly, remind me to take a look at those photos when/if I think about penning a PhD proposal in a few years’ time…

LIFE UPDATE: the woes of roller-coaster mental health

A whole year on from the breakdown of a lifetime (the Great Depression) and I’m still dealing with night sweats/terrors, agoraphobia, social anxiety and spontaneously bursting into tears when I’m overwhelmed (often). The pandemic has only amplified the negatives: I’ve found myself feeling like I’m regressing back to my worst form, and I’ve been neglecting my self-care routine as punishment🙃☠️

Over this last week, I’ve found my relationship with food changing again and also noticed that my stress-related IBS has flared up, which I think has been quite triggering.

I’ve been brutal to myself and had a lot of intense, dark thoughts (they descend pretty quickly when I’m “down”) and all I know is that this has to stop! I need to listen to my body/brain and make serious changes for the sake of my mental and physical health💪🏽🙏🏾

Change #1: See friends more often (including those Latvians and honorary Canadians abroad, via video call).

I’ve seen my friends maybe 2-3 times over the last year, and I think life has genuinely been so much tougher because of this. I’ve lived with these ride or dies and experienced the weirdest of adventures with them, so being away from them has been challenging…

I am super stoked with myself for making the journey out of the house yesterday, despite all the tremors and general breathlessness. I am so grateful for Tom, who is the ultimate hypebeast and has supported me, as well as pushed me, to tackle this hurdle for what it is. Merely a hurdle!

Had such an awesome time with old friends and new friends, and felt at ease in a way that was totally unprecedented given the state I’ve been in over the last few days. I love you guys and can’t thank you enough for all your support and kindness, especially since I’ve been off the grid for so long. Here’s to seeing you way more and for better times ahead💜