LIFE UPDATE: the woes of roller-coaster mental health

A whole year on from the breakdown of a lifetime (the Great Depression) and I’m still dealing with night sweats/terrors, agoraphobia, social anxiety and spontaneously bursting into tears when I’m overwhelmed (often). The pandemic has only amplified the negatives: I’ve found myself feeling like I’m regressing back to my worst form, and I’ve been neglecting my self-care routine as punishment🙃☠️

Over this last week, I’ve found my relationship with food changing again and also noticed that my stress-related IBS has flared up, which I think has been quite triggering.

I’ve been brutal to myself and had a lot of intense, dark thoughts (they descend pretty quickly when I’m “down”) and all I know is that this has to stop! I need to listen to my body/brain and make serious changes for the sake of my mental and physical health💪🏽🙏🏾

Change #1: See friends more often (including those Latvians and honorary Canadians abroad, via video call).

I’ve seen my friends maybe 2-3 times over the last year, and I think life has genuinely been so much tougher because of this. I’ve lived with these ride or dies and experienced the weirdest of adventures with them, so being away from them has been challenging…

I am super stoked with myself for making the journey out of the house yesterday, despite all the tremors and general breathlessness. I am so grateful for Tom, who is the ultimate hypebeast and has supported me, as well as pushed me, to tackle this hurdle for what it is. Merely a hurdle!

Had such an awesome time with old friends and new friends, and felt at ease in a way that was totally unprecedented given the state I’ve been in over the last few days. I love you guys and can’t thank you enough for all your support and kindness, especially since I’ve been off the grid for so long. Here’s to seeing you way more and for better times ahead💜

Pathetic Fallacy.

It’s raining hard. I’m about to get on my bus home and a group of jeering lads have just walked past and hurled, “fuck off, you fucking pakis” at the queue of us waiting to get on. It’s been a challenging day, for obvious reasons, but I think that was really the cherry on top. Nobody even batted an eyelid, which was even more upsetting. Sometimes I’m a bit too retaliatory. I wanted so badly to launch my Dr Martens heel into the side of someone’s head but my inner strength, and the fear of damaging my boots, stopped me.

You have to pick your battles. Some are reaaaaaally worth it and some are just a waste of energy. That doesn’t mean accepting passivity and never doing anything, out of fear that its not worth it.

We can all do better and we can all enforce positive changes, no matter how small. That’s our power and that’s our purpose. Times are tough so we’ve got to look after each other now more than ever, god knows we need the solidarity.

If you see something shite, and you are in a position to challenge that or change it altogether, step right up.

Power to the people.

*Except for the intolerant assholes.