Well, hello there. Its been a while.
Mundane and monotonous, yet gratifying all at the same time, my life has been a steady crawl with no major bad blips. I have a routine (albeit a plain-Jane one) and it’s awesome because it’s so devastatingly boring and average.
I crawl into bed at a respectable hour and read until I can’t keep my eyes open, practically eliminating screen time (unless I have a brief catch-up with the fella). I’m on my third consecutive Stephen King novel and overall, my seventh book so far this year. Don’t mind me tooting my own flute but that’s the most recreational books I’ve read in such a short period of time since like… Well, ages ago.
At long last, I am performing my humanness with some success again- I couldn’t have envisioned this at all a few months ago, so I’ll accept the train woes, being the “new girl” at work, arguments with loved ones, giggles with my best mates on video calls and my worsening glasses prescription.
Yes, the anxiety looms. That is simply what anxiety does, so I don’t consider this to be a bad thing. The dichotomy is switching now, though. I am growing in power and anxiety is slowly, but surely, resigning itself to its role as my little bitch.
Enough of this prison talk.
This week has been all about taking command of my life and steering it in the vague direction of success. I am trying to turn the frowns upside down. I’m capitalising upon every available opportunity to cast shadows into light, filling train delay periods with useful activities like reading and speaking to strangers like there’s no tomorrow, offering smiles and witty anecdotes like my official profession is happiness-bringer. It’s been great and I’ve noticed a marked difference in my demeanour since I’ve started to prioritise certain things more than others.
Onto the upcoming hurdles/adventures:
Tomorrow, I’m boarding a nine hour flight and starting the holy pilgrimage to Mexico where my sister Mica is currently based. My last experience of leaving the country led to a full-shitshow breakdown in Copenhagen so this is pretty damned significant, especially with it being a long-haul flight and there being plenty of family dynamics to endure. I’m stoked and also simultaneously scared to death but, as I stated earlier, anxiety is my little bitch and I am equipped to reinforce that power-play with my stock of Propanolol, Sertraline and (worst-case scenario) Valium. Try me.
When I get back, I’m committing to making music again. I had a wonderful reunion with the Hoamin peoples and boy, it was good. I’ve been listening to music over the last few weeks and finding myself spurred on to twiddle around with the guitar or try to translate some of the wildness of the last year into potential material. I haven’t done anything remotely musical since a whole year ago, as that was when the Great Decline had really started to pick up speed, but I really do feel like that outlet needs to come back.
My next adventures consist of:
Pushing the boat out and moving onto the next level of ascension (the pit of depression is pretty damned deep but I would say I’ve crawled a solid 45% out so far). Now that the daily functions are reinstated, it’s time to resurrect the social butterfly (with a seriously low booze tolerance these days) and see friends more, mix and mingle etc. I feel ready, as though I’m on the cusp, and this is a natural development. So I may as well ride this out and follow the flow, before I lose all my brave again.