I’m alive. I pull myself out of bed every morning. I eat, now. This is the most human I’ve looked (put a lil’ bit of makeup on omg) in months. It was shortlived a.k.a cried off within 2 hours but that’s progress. You take the little things for granted but they’ve been mountains for me recently. I can’t describe how liberating it feels to finally reach a point where I can have ‘good days’ and look forward to more, to be at a point where I’m taking back control from illness.
I’ve barely left the house during this period of ‘deep-rest’ but have had nothing but love and support from my blood and chosen family. I’ve binge watched Dark (S2) and plan to rewatch all of it again because it’s up there with True Detective, for me. Whilst watching, I’ve been reminded about the prospect that everything is interconnected. ‘The future influences the present as much as the past’, as Nietzsche once said. Ironically, those words were once super important to me when I was in my first (literal) dark spell, enough so that I got them tattooed on my wrist (my first ever tattoo) as a permanent reminder. I must have forgotten along the way, I’d been so busy keeping busy that I forgot about the demons at bay. But now I remember- how impossible it seemed to come out of depression yet also how I eventually overcame it.
The future is a scary concept when you’re in a dark place but I have been reminded that I have a future and that I have a purpose, even though my mind has been deceptively suggesting otherwise. Everything happens for a reason. I have the time and space to work through the baby steps, then I’ll be back in full Pip force. So prepare yourselves for that day, whenever it arrives, but in the meantime be patient with me. I feel like I’m dealing with life like a kid adjusting to a bike without stabilisers for the first time. It’s a rocky road.
I have red hair now like that bird from X-Men so hopefully this whole depressive shitstorm has been preparation for some evolution involving me metaphorically rising from the ashes the same way that Jean Grey did 🔥