A Note to Me, From Me

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You’re present in this moment but much, much more than that- you’re a testament to the person you once were and the person you’re yet to become.

You hurt, you heal, you grow, you feel. And that’s the most important of all- because feeling is sacred and exactly what makes you human. It’s your right to feel the kaleidoscope colours of love right from the mellow yellows of the honeymoon period to the dark gloom of the end. It’s your right to find yourself reduced to the verge of hysteria because of the novel you’re reading or to find your heart racing at the end of the Game of Thrones finale. It’s your right to connect with the mesmerising riff of a phone recorded demo, to scribble away with no thoughts and a butterfly garden in your stomach.

It’s okay to cocoon yourself up and cry until your skin is as smooth as the surface of a pebble. It’s okay to look around at the people around you and feel as though your heart might explode with overwhelming gratitude. It’s okay to wake up on some mornings and not feel okay at all.

But it’s only okay if you use everything you’ve attained in your favour. It’s only okay if you remember the hurt you carried for all those years and use it to remind yourself of the darkness you’ve faced. It’s only okay if you use that reminder to fuel your workout at the gym or to belt that note that once seemed unattainable. It’s only okay if you learn to recognise that the past is beyond your control but important regardless for it’s significance in shaping you.

You are a patchwork tapestry, gaining new textures and dimensions with every thought and experience. You’ve grown in more ways than you could ever have imagined as a child, perhaps not taller physically but emotionally– Emotionally you’ve been tested and you’ve learned to be malleable, to welcome change where necessary so that you can better yourself.

Where once naivety made you vulnerable to the manipulation of others, you’ve attained new insight. Where once your pride rendered you incapable of vulnerability, of opening up to others, you’ve softened. Where once you were wounded, you grew new skin, and a thicker one at that. You were designed for this.

Though there’s many things you want to attain, you ought to take a moment to admire and appreciate the journey you’ve undergone so far. Stop and truly look at yourself. You might have forgotten what it means to see yourself because you’ve spent so long running, so long consumed in The Now. But how would The Now exist at all without all that you’ve seen and touched and felt before it?

Don’t forget the hospital bed under the glow of the front room lamp, the taste of your first legal pint, the way he carried you down Scafell Pike when your knee gave in, the time we all chased the thunder and lightning in PJ’s. The way your heart sank when you heard. Don’t forget the way that they look at you, with faith, the ones who matter in more ways than they could ever know. Try to believe what it is they say they see in you.

You might be afraid that even now after everything you’ve been through, you’re not quite enough. That you’re not where you ought to be. That you’ve failed someone. That you’ve failed yourself.

But you’ve made it this far.

You’ve defied the critical expectations of others but most importantly yourself.

And if you’ve made it to this point, then who’s to say that you can’t go any further?

Look forward to all there is to come. You don’t have to know what exactly that constitutes, but embrace it and all other uncertainties. You are and always will be exactly where you need to be.

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